Sometimes everything. Sometimes nothing.
When you believe in somebody don’t you just believe, and that’s the end of that?
When do we give up on the people that we love with all of our hearts?
Ever? Or Never?
And what does it mean to give up on someone? God said His Spirit will not strive with man forever. In our likeness of Him, do we take that attitude sometimes? Does it apply to us in that respect, anyway? At what point do we say when enough is enough and that we are going to stop striving? Striving, that is, after striving, then trying, then surrendering, then crying, then falling into a bottomless pit, back to striving again in hopes of getting out of said pit and holding onto whatever made us love to begin with.
In an age of divorce, with a trail of broken people carrying broken promises, broken hearts, and broken dreams, it seems people give up easily because they’re through dealing with the “worst thing ever.” But what happens when you give up on that relationship or person and then the worst thing ever really does come along? You only thought you knew what trials were, what surviving was, what overcoming meant. Now you’re faced with familiar shadows from childhood, in the embodiment of a person you love, but these are shadows with teeth: snarling, gnarling, growling, threatening, menacing, drooling, seething, reeking, and threatening in every way imaginable. These shadowy demons not only scare us with their appearance, they invoke such fear, such unfathomable fear, that we question not only our sanity but our very ability to survive. Only now, there’s no parent to run into our rooms to assure us that all is well. And the shadows aren’t truly gone in the morning (Pssst…even in the midst of this, I must remind myself and you of a truth…no matter what, shadows can’t hurt us, but fear of them can cause us to hurt ourselves. David reminds us in Ps. 23, Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil; for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me).
What happened? We were just believing, hoping, forbearing, loving, and all of the familiar love attributes…right? Weren’t we? Wasn’t I? Was it that it was all wrong to begin with, therefore it didn’t have a hope of becoming right? Was it that the people we really were when we connected were just lying low until the moment in the relationship that demanded that who we really are comes out and stays out…come what may? Was the baggage we brought into the relationship initially shoved into a closet or under the bed until further notice? Then one day the inevitable happened? Did the contents of the baggage we brought start seeping out on their own? Doubtful. Perchance did the baggage owner sneak back into the suitcase to pop out a porno mag? Or a control technique? Or did someone slip a hand into the outer pocket to take a peek into that old little black book that should have been burned? Or grab an old email address? Or did someone reach into the bag and pull out a familiar flannel shirt of impatience and a comfy coat of anger or maybe some tight fitting jealousy jeans? Where did all the love and sweetness go? Is there any of that in the baggage we carry? Or just a load of love and sweetness that had already been infected…rejected… soured… withered… unwanted.
When do we look at the ones we love and say “that’s enough”? God said to forgive seventy times seven. Does walking away from someone who has truly and repeatedly hurt us mean we don’t forgive? Can we forgive and love deeply and still call the game? Can we know we’ll always love them and be there if they truly need us, but separate ourselves for our safety and sanity and protection? Should we? Or should we be mature enough to know God will work it out, and thus stick it out no matter what? And what if no matter what entails the unthinkable? What if the “what” does “matter”? What if it hurts you endlessly in spite of your love and it gets to the place you feel you can’t tell if you struggle more to live with them or without them?
Honestly, I’m not talking about the person you never really loved to begin with. I’m not talking about you not knowing what love was when you entered the relationship. I’m not talking about falling in and out of love. Almost every new thing has a honeymoon period. Even your job. Or your apartment or your house. I’m talking about really loving (whether a romantic relationship, family or friend). Not pedestal idolizing. Not infatuation. I’m talking about knowing the ugliest truth about these loved ones and still choosing to walk beside them- believing the best because you know the God in them is real and you’ve seen God at work in them. Knowing they’ve seen your ugly moments, months, or years, and yet remain.
I’m talking about you see the work God started in them and you know without doubt He is faithful to complete it…in spite of their free will. Because somewhere in them you know from experience they want to serve God and become all that they can be, in His army. Yet, the enemy binds them, and so binds you with fearful painful responses to their hurtful ways. What of this? Love them still? Stay? When it gets to the place that trust has been stripped bare and seems nonexistent and now affects your ability to trust anyone at all, stay? When you’re afraid that the next thing that comes out of their mouth or out of their behavior will crush you because you’ve been weakened from the repeated hurts, stay?
But what about love? What about patience and kindness and forbearance…leave anyway? What about your investment in them, their hearts, their lives, their dreams…leave anyway? It was the same as making an investment in yourself because you loved them that much. How can you possibly go now? You loved according to God’s definition of love and with every error, every sin, every hurt, you tried to remember that you are forgiven and God keeps you still, in spite of you. And besides loving them, you desire them as well. But…but…but…the pain…
The pain will exist in any decision you make. Maybe it’s time to ask what love has to do with it and face the inevitable pain that will accompany the break you need. It has to be better than continuing in the present pain. Sometimes there must be a separation for survival. A breaking for the sake of binding. A tearing for togetherness. An aloneness for the sake of oneness. Sometimes we need to be alone in our separate corners so that God can speak to us individually with His own words, His own thoughts, His own message. His plan is to prosper and not to harm us. And sometimes separation is necessary for our growing. Hopefully, the separation is only seasonal. Sometimes that is up to the person with the free will God gave. And sometimes we have to let go knowing the outcome might mean the end. But sometimes, if we don’t separate, the end may be the only result. Even if we must separate from the ones we love, never let go of God. Somehow, somewhere, some way, we must remember that Christ is our first love, our true Love, the Love that never fails us. The Love that never gives up on us. The Love that always triumphs. The Love the never ends. The Love that keeps us.
When someone is causing us severe trauma and pain, emotional or physical or spiritual, then we are right to separate. It is for our protection or our health. We can trust God to handle what happens in the interim. No, we MUST trust God to handle it all. If the pain in a relationship isn’t getting better by staying and loving and praying and doing all the things you know are right, then separation may be the only answer. It doesn’t have to be permanent. But if you stay, what you might say and do in your painful response can further damage the hope and the foundation of a love that’s real and true. Find your hiding place of safety in Christ. Sing to Him. Cry to Him. Listen to Him. Wrap up in Him. Take your eyes off of the object of your love and fix them firmly on Christ. Maybe the problem is they were more focused on the love than on Him in the first place. Our sufficiency is in Christ alone. Our hope is in Christ alone. Our security. Yep, in Christ alone. Protection. Provision. Faith…it’s all found in Him alone, even if we are alone.
So…what’s love got to do with it?
Sometimes, nothing. Sometimes, everything.
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